it's been a while. as a photography student, i am ashamed to say that.
my body is here, but my mind is somewhere else. i feel it's all truly over, all aspects of my life.
the stale smell of cigarettes stain my morning robe, my head aches from thoughts of my past.
its almost june, and i am still stuck in square one, stuck in may 2008. 2009 is non existent.
i've failed, disappointed myself, negelected my cameras. they are taped up in a box.
they shouldn't be there, but they are, and the only words i've managed to speak are, i'm aware, but i'm gone. it's kind of like hell inside my body, and on the outside is soft skin, worn eyes and fingernails bitten to a pulp. i'm nude, honest and immensely confused. the sunshine strikes through my window, it blinds me. i wish it was dark, like the darkest night ever.
i can't continue to breathe like this. so last night, with my own hands, i picked up my weak body, set up some lights, a camera, and began to shoot. i felt effortless, the photographs look tired, my body looks tired. i am tired, but i was able to lift myself up. the images don't make sense to me, the focus is my breasts, my skin, the lighting covering only certain parts of my body. a cover is always good, but it's not always honest. but this is as honest as i could be at this point in time. now what? i have no idea.
